Complicated Feelings
by Yonokom
Summary: "Can I kiss you?" Zack asked, because he suddenly thought he might be gay.


Complicated Feelings

Cloud knew Zack was too curious for his own good at times, but this was inappropriate and embarrassing.

"Can I kiss you?" Zack asked, because he suddenly thought he might be gay, and he knew Cloud was gay, and he was Zack's friend. That was the inappropriate part.

The embarrassing part was that Cloud had a crush on Zack that stretched on for years. This moment was a dream come true! But it was a dream none the less because Zack wasn't actually gay, no matter what disillusionment had suddenly festered inside his brain.

Shocked and blushing, Cloud started stuttering incoherent sentences, denying Zack's request, as well as lecturing Zack about his sexuality, assuring Zack that he wasn't homosexual.

But in the end, Cloud had been persuaded to satisfy Zack's curiosity, because when it came down to it, there wasn't much Cloud wanted to deny Zack.

So they kissed. And since Zack never do anything half-heartedly, there was tongue involved as well.

Cloud completely lost track of himself. He felt like he was floating, yet he was firmly grounded. Cloud's knees went weak, and he thought he might have just fainted of the thought of having Zack this close at last. He held himself from moaning; he had enough sense to know it would scare Zack away.

The kiss was sensual and deep. Cloud might have imagined it, and it might have been completely one-sided, conjured from his attraction for the older teen, but that's what it felt like to him. Sensual and deep, with more meaning than just a simple sexuality experiment.

When they broke away, their eyes met for a second before Cloud, embarrassed, looked down at the ground.

But Zack initiated another deep kiss that took Cloud's breath away and repeated the process over again, but this time with a hope too strong, that it really meant more than just an experiment.

But he was crushed as Zack said he hadn't felt anything in a light, nonchalant tone. Zack wasn't gay, just like he knew. Just as he told Zack again to hide his hurt heart.

Cloud tried to forget the kisses. But even years later, he hadn't been able to remove the memory or the feelings it had conjured from his memory. It had, damn it all, intensified his feelings for Zack.

At first he was afraid he would slip up and kiss him again, because the urge had become stronger and harder to deny. But as the year passed by, it went back to that small, quick urge that he was just able to flick away with a thought. And Zack was still un-aware of his romantic feelings.

...

Zack started ranting one day, about a girl named Aerith, with brown hair, and green sparkling eyes, and a smile that made Zack turn into a coddling puddle. And Zack was happy. Happier than he usually was. Not that many besides Cloud noticed this. And it set Cloud's organs in a twist. It was so awkward listening to Zack talking about how much he liked this girl. But he was supportive. What best-friend wouldn't be?

Zack often insisted that Cloud should meet her, but Cloud always declined, or made up some excuse so he wouldn't have to. He didn't want to meet the one woman that had seriously stolen his love's heart. But it was inevitable. He would have to meet her someday. Especially after they officially got together. The meeting just happened too soon. Only two days after Zack had told him he had asked her to be his girlfriend and she had said yes.

She was pretty. Not too slim, not too chubby. She looked perfectly healthy and beautiful, someone that models and idols should have as a role-model. She was polite, sweet, had a nice laugh that fits perfectly with Zack's melodic one.

It hurt indescribably much to see them together, especially when they pecked each others lips innocently, or cheeks even. It wasn't the first time Cloud had been jealous because of Zack and his girls, but it was the first long-lasting one.

...

"This is Lucifer," Zack introduced a blonde, long-haired, light blue eyed man three years later. A friend of a friend that Zack knew. And he was gay. And Cloud instantly knew why Zack had introduced him. And even though Lucifer was an attractive guy, Cloud wasn't interested.

Though, somehow, he got ensnared by Lucifer's charming personality. Zack got what he wanted as Cloud ended up in Lucifer's bed that night. And three dates later. And a week after that when they officially became a couple.

Lucifer was a nice guy that devoted a lot of his time to Cloud, and it made Cloud feel guilty because he didn't like him in that way, and he didn't even try to devote as much time to him as Lucifer did.

He still stayed with him. Lucifer was a good friend. He could comfort and satisfy him in ways Zack couldn't. And it made Zack satisfied to know that Cloud had someone to lean on, even though he didn't lean on him as much as he made it sound like. In the end he probably stayed because Zack had wanted it for him, and that was why Cloud felt guilty.

Eight months later, he told Zack, "We've broken up." Zack mouth dropped, at an obvious loss at what to do. To Cloud that is.

Zack was a happy, social person, but he didn't know how to comfort people. But just that Zack wanted to comfort him was comforting, even though Cloud didn't need much comforting.

"I'm sorry," Zack said and hugged Cloud.

"It's alright," Cloud sighed. And he just felt an urge, like now was the right time that he could finally tell Zack, "I think I never really liked him."

Zack looked at him oddly, and Cloud knew he wanted to ask, "Then why did you stay with him?". Cloud smiled softly and told him, "Don't worry about it," and resumed hugging him.

...

Cloud packed his clothes into his trunk, trying his hardest to not let the tears escape his eyes. He had never been big on crying, but he had an inkling that he would be doing that for a while after this.

He cursed himself and his failed restrain. He had swore to himself to never, ever, drink alcohol when Zack was present. And Zack had to arrive at the small party his friend had invited Cloud to. Zack didn't even really know the girl, so why had he been invited? And at the exact same and rare time that there was alcohol present; alcohol that had made Cloud drunk and out of his mind.

Cloud had kissed Zack. The shock of it had even sobered him up, and had him running home when he had broken from his paralysis.

He couldn't face Zack after this. He didn't have the courage nor the confidence to do it. He would move to his mother in the country for a while, calm down, and then maybe, possibly, come back, talk to Zack and hopefully be friends again.

A knock on Cloud's door, and then it opened and closed, but he didn't turn around. Thus he didn't see Zack leaning against it, watching him pack away as if his life depended on it.

Zack cleared his throat, startling Cloud and making him jump a bit. Cloud looked over his shoulder and panic hit him like a shockwave through his body. He stood, once again paralyzed, grabbing for things to say, to explain, and say how sorry he was for messing up.

"I know you've never been good at confronting people and your problems, but I thought we were different," Zack spoke first. "I thought you were comfortable enough around me for us to solve these kinds of things."

Cloud remained speechless and stared down at the floor. He wanted to solve it more than he could express, but he hadn't thought Zack would have been so willing too.

"Will I have to do the talking?" Zack asked gently. Cloud hesitantly nodded.

"You were going to leave without telling me first?" Cloud nodded and tears overflowed his eyes and he was quick to wipe them away.

"Don't cry," Zack pleaded softly and walked over to Cloud and wrapped his arms around him. They held each other comfortably for a while, that proved to Cloud that Zack was still his friend, before Zack spoke again.

"You thought kissing me would break us apart?" Cloud nodded quickly even though Zack didn't stop talking.

"There is nothing that would make me think less of you. You're my most precious person. We have always been together, we will always be together, no matter what you feel about me. I'm not disgusted with you, Cloud. I'm just sorry that I didn't know earlier. I could have spared you so much heartache. Seeing me and Aerith together must be so painful." Cloud nodded again as tears streamed down more consistently.

"I will do anything for your happiness. I will break up with her if that's what you want." Cloud stared into Zack's eyes and shook his head franticly.

"I want you to be happy. I don't want you to throw away your happiness and your love because of me," Cloud sobbed desperately.

"You're more important to me than any other person I know. You're more than just a friend to me. You're a part of me."

Cloud cried his heart out against Zack shoulder, and Zack comforted him, and tried to make Cloud understand his complicated feelings for him.

* * *

A/N:

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with a better ending! I am so sorry. *sad face*

Edit: I figured out the ending (I hope I don't mess this up now -.-)! I can now say I'm quite proud (yet pretty embarrassed) with this!


End file.
